In your role as a leader, managing conflict at work is an unpleasant but unavoidable part of owning a company. At some point, you’ll need to have a difficult conversation to fix a problem and get things in your business to run smoothly again.
Maybe an employee keeps missing deadlines or a team member is giving major attitude. Perhaps a new hire repeatedly turns in sloppy work or a manager blames everyone else for their team’s shortcomings.
Often, it’s obvious when you need to sit down with an employee for a one-to-one chat; but sometimes you may not realize it or be unwilling to admit to yourself that an intervention is needed.
You’ll know it’s time to have a tough conversation when:
But knowing you have to have a discussion is the easiest part — navigating through conflict is where things get tough. You worry about saying the right thing in the right way, and just thinking about the conversation triggers physical symptoms like a racing heart and sweaty palms.
And because you anticipate the difficulty, you avoid talking to the person. You put it off or try to find ways around it. But eventually you’ll have to deal with the situation because nothing will change if you don’t make changes. And the sooner, the better, or you risk things getting worse.
Missed deadlines or sloppy work could mean lost business. Attitude problems or an unaccountable manager can create a toxic work environment. Every issue you walk past, you enable. be an effective leader is to practice effective communication in the workplace — you need to deal with problems as they come up so that your business can function properly.
But how do you get yourself ready for a difficult conversation so that you don’t freeze in the moment, get nauseous or make things worse? With the right preparation and using the following techniques for managing challenging conversations, you’ll be able to resolve conflicts and provide employee feedback with more confidence and increase the odds of getting effective results. Here’s how.
You wouldn’t pitch a new client or make a presentation to the board without preparing first. By planning ahead, you equip yourself to face a stressful situation with grace and competence. Likewise, getting ready for a tough conversation with an employee will improve your ability to manage your emotions in the moment and clearly communicate the issues and find a solution.
Before you approach the problem employee, ask yourself these three questions.
It’s easy to jump to conclusions and vilify others, but are you letting your emotions or personal bias dictate the narrative? Making assumptions about the situation or other people’s intentions will block you from making real progress.
For example, is Mike blowing his deadlines because he’s irresponsible and unorganized, or is he overburdened with assignments? Does Emily not care about the quality of her work, or did she not get the proper training?
To counteract false conclusions, approach the conflict with curiosity. Ask yourself: “Why would a reasonable, rational person do this? If I trusted and respected this person, what thoughts would I have?”
In asking yourself this, you might find your thoughts about someone who misses work all the time go from “this person is so lazy” to “I hope they’re ok, I’d better check,” for example.
By acknowledging the story you’re telling yourself about the conflict, you’ll be better equipped to properly address the situation.
Once you’ve mastered the story you’ve been telling yourself about the conflict, you’re ready to determine the true objective of having the conversation.
To figure this out, start by asking, “What is the real problem and why is it such a tension point?” For example, you might have identified the problem as “Mike doesn’t do his job,” but the real issue is that Mike keeps missing his deadlines, which puts everyone else behind or forces them to work into the evenings and weekends.
To quote inventor Charles Kettering, “A problem well stated is half solved.” Specificity is clarity.
From there, you can distill the goal of the conversation. In this example, the true goal is to figure out how to help Mike meet his deadlines so that his colleagues aren’t negatively impacted.
As you work to identify the goal of the conversation (as well as later, when you talk to your employee), be sure to monitor the intent in your heart. Being the compassionate leader you are, you shouldn’t be looking for a “gotcha” moment. Instead you want to take this opportunity to help your team.
This True Goal will be the North Star for the conversation. How do you honour the company, yourself and the other person? What do you need for all three in order to come up with a productive resolution?
This final question requires some deep internal soul searching. Ask yourself, “What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the situation?”
Could you have addressed the issue sooner? Do your employees have inadequate resources? Are you clearly communicating your expectations?
There’s always a role you play in the conflict, even if you’ve just been ignoring it. This isn’t about laying fault or blame, but about taking responsibility. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but be honest with yourself and you’ll find answering this question is empowering. It helps you gain perspective on what you can control and enables strong leadership.
By looking at how you might be contributing to the situation, you move from being the judge, jury and executioner to being able to constructively find a solution.
After you’ve asked yourself the three self-probing questions, you’re ready to prepare for and have the difficult conversation with your employee.
Have you already run through the conversation in your head, imagining what you’re going to say? That’s where most people stop.
The key to success is to write out your plan. This will help dissipate your feelings about the conflict so that you can be less emotionally triggered in the moment, when you’re actually having the conversation.
Write out your answers to the above questions as well as details on how you plan to start the conversation and what the solution might look like.
For a full conversation-planning guide, download my “From Conflict to Connection” worksheet".
To truly get comfortable with providing effective feedback, role play — either in front of a mirror or with someone else. The more you plan and practice, the less likely you’ll get flustered during the actual conversation and forget what you were going to say. You may be stressed, but you’ll feel confident that you have a plan.
The kindest thing you can do as a leader is to give your employee a chance to emotionally prepare for the conversation. Surprising them will only escalate the conflict.
This means you don’t attack them with an accusation in the hallway or call them to your office and immediately launch into the conversation.
Think carefully about how and when you’re going to ask. For example, “Do you have a moment later today when we can discuss project deadlines?” is much better than scheduling a mystery meeting for first-thing Monday morning, late on a Friday afternoon. Do that and your employee will be stressing out all weekend that they’re going to get fired.
When you have the conversation with your employee, embrace the power of curiosity. This is your opportunity to find out how they view the situation and to discover if you’re missing key information.
For example, by approaching the conversation with curiosity, you’ve discovered that Mike always misses deadlines because he receives requests from two departments, but neither is aware that he’s helping out the other team. No one knew the extent of his workload and he hasn’t felt empowered enough to push back on deadlines when there are competing priorities.
As management consultant and author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team Patrick Lencioni would say, you’ve now given Mike the opportunity to feel seen, heard and understood. This builds trust and enables you to support Mike with specificity so that a successful change is more likely.
Once you’ve heard your employee’s perspective, you can clarify your viewpoint — without minimizing theirs — then start looking for a solution to the problem.
Using your answers to the three questions above and your written plan, discuss the issue with your employee and work together on solving the problem. Remember: You have a role to play here as an impactful leader. It’s not just about your employee changing their behaviour on their own.
As you’ve discovered, the solution to Mike missing his deadlines will require help — and buy-in — from two departments, better communication from Mike, and possibly facilitation from you.
Once you’ve landed on a solution, be sure to get commitment — who's doing what by when, and who's following up when? There needs to be accountability in order to see change.
Conflict resolution is rarely easy, but download the worksheet “From Conflict to Connection” and follow the tips above, and you’ll be well on your way to being more comfortable having difficult conversations with your employees. With time and practice, you’ll become more confident and feel more capable.
The key is to approach every difficult conversation the same way you would want an ER doctor to treat you: Be compassionate and support the person you’re talking to — make them feel seen, heard and understood — and then manage the problem.
Michelle Nicole Martin
Leadership Coach & Consultant
Top Small Business Voice on LinkedIn
There I was, lined up on the dock in the Toronto Harbor, waiting to jump in the water to start my race. This was my first big race, a qualifier for the amateur worlds. If I placed in the top 10, I could race as an amateur for Team Canada in 2014.
So there I stood, nervous beyond measure. The stakes were high, and I sucked at swimming. There were no swim warm-ups... just another aspect to amp up my anxiety.
The announcer's voice broke my thoughts. "Athletes, get in the water. 30 seconds until you start."
I jumped in the water, and despite it being July, it was ice cold. The temperature shock caused me to lose my breath, and panic kicked in.
The gun went off - time to race, but I couldn't even breathe!
The crowd swam past me. I was left behind, unable to calm my breathing enough to settle into a front crawl. I had two choices: backstroke or get out. I chose backstroke.
Ugh... talk about the slowest, most excruciating swim ever.
I got out of the water dead last, with my head so frozen I couldn't even run properly to transition.
When I got there, all the bikes were gone.
It meant one thing: "Michelle, you are dead last. You're not going to Worlds next year."
I could feel the lump in my throat forming as I fought back angry, frustrated tears of disappointment. I didn't even want to continue.
I just wanted to drop, put my head in my knees, and cry.
Despite feeling utterly defeated and embarrassed, my body kept moving as if giving up wasn't an option.
The beginning of this race was all uphill, but I didn't even notice. First, because hills are easy for me, and second, I was in such a victim-energy-infused trance I didn't even notice what was happening around me... not fully.
I passed a bunch of bikers but was thinking, "Why can't you just swim like everyone else?"
I passed a whack more but was thinking, "It's just a choice. Everyone is fighting the same conditions; choose differently."
I passed yet, another bunch and thought, "Damn, I think that guy is going to lose his balance and fall over"
That's what happens; you go so slow up a hill you literally fall over! Poor Guy.
Suddenly my mind switched, "Most racers suck at hills, but you're awesome on hills!"
Right, this bike course is literally uphill the first half and downhill the second half!
And bam, Strategy Michelle woke up.
You can pass a ton of racers on this hill, rest the whole way down, and because you recover so fast, you can be fresh for the run. You'll also pass loads of people down the hill because you have the guts to descend hills at 80+ km an hour.
And just like a horse out of the gate at the Kentucky Derby, "it was on."
When I entered the transition, my husband, full of encouragement, shouted, "I think you're about 18th!"
And bam, just like that, another boost of energy.
"8 to pass, make it 10 for good measure.... ok, redline this shit; it's just 5k."
In amateur triathlon, your age group is written on the back of your left calf, so as I came up on other female racers, I could see that they were in my age category.
I could feel the adrenaline boost every time I passed someone in my category.
"1.... 2.... 3...."
It took about an hour after crossing the finish line before the race organizers posted the results.
"If you're too busy looking at how everybody else is great at something you're not and then are judging or condemning yourself for it, you'll miss recognizing the opportunities that allow you to use your unique strength."
Eighth Place. Qualified.
And that's the thing about strategy - whether we're talking about personal, team, or company strategy. The foundations are the same.
You have something that makes you unique, something that you can leverage that is yours and yours alone.
If you're too busy looking at how everybody else is great at something you're not and then are judging or condemning yourself for it, you'll miss recognizing the opportunities that allow you to use your unique strength."
But to do that, you first need to know who you are, what you stand for, and what makes you unique.
Michelle Nicole Martin
Leadership Coach & Consultant
Top Small Business Voice on LinkedIn
As a new leader, Nick was focused on his team’s engagement and building trust. But he found a lot of his time and energy was going towards one problem employee. The negativity was affecting him and he was struggling to figure out how to balance time with all employees.
“In a coaching session, Michelle asked me, do you think he trusts you? Maybe he’s genuinely unhappy about something else. She encouraged me to be open and honest and just straight-up ask him.”
After a few roleplays with Michelle, Nick gained confidence. When he talked to the team member in an open and intentional meeting, he realized a lot of their requests were pretty easy to address and then the relationship improved.
“It was really an ‘aha’ moment for me because I’m new, and need to remember trust is built over time. It was also a trust issue between me and myself,” Nick said.
Nick was one of the participants in Michelle’s three-month leadership development training program.
When you speak with Michelle about the programs she builds, her passion comes through. Skill development requires a dynamic approach that encompasses three main stages:
It's the integration that creates transformation and impact for the participants.
Pam, another participant in the program, has been leading employees for a few years. She has a self-development mindset and is always looking to improve her leadership skills.
A lightbulb moment for Pam was learning her DiSC Personality Test and starting to see work interpersonal situations differently. She describes herself as very direct and started to see how that could come across negatively to another personality type.
Everything DiSC® is a personal development learning experience that measures preferences and tendencies. It gives you a report with your personality traits and how they apply to your leadership and management style. Paige found her report was spot on.
“Now that I better understand my style and how I manage, I’m able to put myself in other people’s shoes, especially my team and with other managers at my organization.”
When you’re busy in your everyday work, Pam said it seems hard to find time to take a step back and consider others’ perspectives before contributing your own ideas. But one of her takeaways is that she can make the time and it only takes a few minutes.
“When you’re running from one meeting to the next, you can get so caught up in the work. What I learned is you actually can take a few moments to listen first. Now even in a meeting when someone’s presenting something maybe I don’t agree with, I remind myself their approach is just different. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad, it’s just different. I’m constantly seeing myself take a step back now,” said Pam.
The ingredients for a cohesive team are common goals, trust, and effective communication. Learning about what this looks like in the program, Pam started to see the gaps at her own company. Teams worked in silos and didn’t always communicate with each other well. This meant people didn’t feel that connected with teams outside of their own.
After one of her first coaching sessions with Michelle, Pam organized a meeting with her organization’s leadership team.
“I explained how the foundation of a cohesive team was trust with each other and we had opportunities to build that better. As managers, we weren’t always aligned. It was really empowering and one way I quickly applied what I was learning in coaching to my workplace.”
Pam helped create an organization-wide action plan to help build trust, that starts with a few team-building activities and she recommended all leaders take the DISC Personality test.
Nick also started to see the gaps in his team around trust. In the day and night shift teams he worked with, he noticed there was a distrust between them and people were worried about getting blamed if something went wrong.
“One of the main things I took away from coaching was being real with people. Not sugarcoating things to try to please them. Sometimes people think trust is about being nice and not being a jerk. But really, it’s that the person can be blatantly honest with you,” said Nick.
He started bringing issues up at weekly team meetings and encouraged people to be open with eachother. Noah continued reminding the team of their shared goals and the importance of helping each other on the opposite shift. They started to see more peer-to-peer recognition and more help with training new people to be the best they can be.
“Try to help develop people rather than letting them sink. Put your hand in to help. Now we’re really living that and I’ve seen an incredible shift in my team,” said Nick.
Michelle is a coach and founder of Human-Centric Leadership, a boutique management consulting firm.
She found there were two main gaps in leadership development programs:
Michelle builds leadership development programs that involve three stages. Monthly group learning, weekly personal 1:1 coaching, and online coursework. Participants get feedback and support as they learn how to apply their new knowledge.
It’s a two-hour commitment every week and is set up to give participants opportunities to practice the leadership skills they’re learning daily.
The program focuses on learning your own leadership style so you can bring out the best in yourself and others. It takes you through to lead people in a way that cultivates trust and accountability and how to communicate effectively.
It provides access to mentorship, coaching, and talking through the struggles you’re having in a context that means something to you.
Michelle’s coaching centers around personal transformation to improve the leader's effectiveness and performance. However, because her coaching focuses on the who not the what, clients see positive impacts in their entire life.
Nick found stress at work was extending into his evenings and off hours. Your energy and stress don’t turn off at the end of your workday, it affects everything in your life too.
“Michelle takes the stress out of it. When you’re walking through a roleplay conversation with her and we talk through some issues, it takes the pressure off and helps expose the stressors. You hear that there are two sides to every story - Michelle gives you five. She helped open my eyes to see the bigger picture,” said Nick.
Pam found she still refers back to her coaching sessions often.
“Michelle puts you at ease and builds trust immediately. It blew my mind in a lot of ways. She almost knew me better than me. Michelle could pull these things out in discussions I wouldn’t have thought about. Her ability to relate on a human level helps catapult you to be a better leader,” said Pam.
“I've taken a lot away about how I perceive myself and the world. I’ve applied it to my friend group, my family, and my work team. This coaching is personal and applicable in every part of your life. Months after the program, the wheels are still turning for me.”
If you’re interested in developing your leadership skills, building trust with your team, and want support to take the stress out of those difficult conversations at work, let’s chat about coaching.
Book a consultation.
Written by; Erica Howes
